Wednesday, June 29, 2016

CALM DOWN!

Those two words.  Ever since I was child, I was told to, "Calm Down!"

Naturally most children are told to calm down. They're adventurous, curious, full of energy, talkative, etc.

I just happened to be that, TIMES TEN.

To give you an accurate picture of the type of child I was, think along the lines of Dennis the Menace, Angelica Pickles, and Junie B. Jones with the sass and leadership of Susie Carmichael.
  • When I was about 3/4, there was a Shamu float at the Martin Luther King Parade. Naturally, baby Asia needed to touch Shamu (who I thought was Free Willy). I snatched from my mother and ran into the parade of vehicle operated floats. 
  •  In first grade, we took a field trip to the San Diego Zoo. While riding the top level of a double-decker bus, young Asia felt the need stand on her seat and reach for the low hanging branches and take a swing... while the bus is in motion.
  • In sixth grade, I had learned some new "words" thanks to my new middle school friends, and MTV. While in class, the substitute had the nerve to tell me to stop talking with my friends. After one too many warnings from him, I decided to share my thoughts, and new words:
         "You know what Mr.____, I'm tired of your bullshit!"

...Shout out to Mrs. Padilla for showing mercy and not telling my mom, who would have literally killed me... and still might.

I've got plenty more stories where that came from, but I digress.

As you can see, "Calm down" is one of many things I deserved to hear growing up. However it came at different times too.

Getting really excited about anything that made me happy, "CALM DOWN."
The energy I get from being around people because I'm 97% extrovert, "CALM DOWN."
My dramatic tendencies, "CALM DOWN."

"CALM DOWN" soon stopped being good advice and became anonymous with "You're too much."

It's something I struggled with for a long time. I tried to repackage myself to be quiet, shy, reserved, just to avoid hearing the phrase and seeing the annoyance on people's face.

I remember thinking, "Why can't I be like Emon (my sister), no one gets annoyed with her!"

Obviously that didn't work, but in the trying, pride and a need to control set in.

If I made everyone see me as the "clown", that would be my shtick. I'd do theater so my behavior was expected. I'd become the fun, crazy leader in youth, so  I'd have a place to behave this way and still be accepted. I'd verbally express interests in things that would explain my behavior, so that when when people think I'm too much or crazy, it would be because of what I surrounded myself with, not because I'm actually crazy and wild.

And if someone still said I was annoying or needed to calm down, I'd masked my hurt with aggressiveness. In college, a kid told me to "calm down", and I literally did not speak to him for months. He probably didn't even notice, but I really showed him, ha.

It's a mess guys, I know. 

It wasn't until I was older that I realized how stupid this was. And it became my mission to never feel that way again, or let anyone I come in contact feel that way.  

And I didn't... for everyone but myself.

Although I am far more comfortable in who I am, and unapologetically so, I still struggle with control and letting my guard down.

Because I was "the clown" for so long, it's hard to be other parts of me. The parts of me that get so emotional about anything relating to children or "coming-of age" moments. The parts of me that are actually interested in adventurous things like skydiving but avoid because I don't have control of the situation. The parts that subconsciously push away an type of mentor for fear that I'll be "too much" for them.

It's crazy that I'm almost 26 and still dealing with this.

Even recently, I had a friend tell me sometimes when I talk to him, he stops listening. Now, I'm mature enough to know that's just a guy/girl thing, but it still triggered that, "Ugh, you're being too much again Asia" and found myself trying to say less.

You're probably thinking, "What does this have to do with anything? Why are you sharing this?"

and to that I say, "BECAUSE I CAN. LET ME LIVE, DANG."

But in all seriousness, I share it because I'm at the point where I have to rid myself of the control and actual let myself live. 

Also because,openly sharing all this makes it harder to hide and avoid growing. And because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that someone else is struggling with the same things and will be comforted to know they're not alone.

Most people see me as this self aware, no-nonsense, attention loving, confident girl, who empowers people to be their true selves, and completely believes in herself.

All of that which I am, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't carry that same old baggage with me.

I've recently been attending a new church, and over the last few weeks God has been relentless in His  pursuit of taking me to another level and chapter of my life.

So, instead of being stubborn in my comfort, I've decided to explore and go with Him.

So if I'm a literal mess for the next couple of weeks, bare with me ya'll, I'm trying to get my life in order.


And if you're dealing with same things, know that regardless if you feel like you're too much, you're not. You're perfect, and whole, and good. If anyone tries to make you feel inferior, slap them. Kidding. Maybe not, I don't care, live your life. I may not know you, but I will always root for the person being 100% themselves,and I root for you. Fully and without conditions.

Less control, more freedom. 
Less tame, more wild.






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